


Why Is Everything So Heavy

by ladyarcherfan3



Category: Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Dealing With Trauma, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-23
Updated: 2017-03-23
Packaged: 2018-10-09 11:14:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10410912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyarcherfan3/pseuds/ladyarcherfan3
Summary: After the events of The Empire Strikes Back, Leia and Luke both struggle to deal with the mental and physical trauma they have experienced.  Both have lost so much, but at least they have each other.





	

The corridors of the frigate were stark and white in the medical section. It was somewhat expected - medical spaces were almost always sparse and bright. It gave the appearance of cleanliness, light, the idea of healing. But it was too bright now, too harsh for Leia. Luke had been whisked away by the med droids to look over his cybernetic hand again; with Lando and Chewie off somewhere in hyperspace in the _Flacon_ , there were only the stars and the rest of the small Rebel fleet to be seen out of the viewport. The sight of the ships gave Leia something to focus on. With a quick explanation to Luke, she left the med bay and went to the command center. It was safer, easier, to deal with the trials of war and details of attack and retreats than to think more about what had happened to her. 

Eventually, everyone from the most dedicated of the officers down to the most driven of the technicians, begged leave to rest. There was no new intel to go over, plans were set for weeks in advance and for at least a dozen contingencies. Leia stood next to the holoprojector, fighting to keep the sway out of her stance; her eyes were pointed at the map that showed the location of bases and the scattered bits of the Rebellion forces, but she couldn’t focus on it anymore. She didn’t even have the energy to jump when a hand touched her shoulder. 

“I’m sorry, but you weren’t responding,” General Rieekan said as she turned to face him. “You need rest, too, commander. If something changes here,” he gestured to the map, “You will be the first to know. Until then, you need to rest and keep up your strength.” 

She nodded, not able to find any argument against it. “You’re right. Thank you.” 

Rieekan nodded and walked her out of the door, down the corridor and to her quarters. The gesture was probably as much to put his mind at ease as it was to be supportive. Leia appreciated it for what it was, but she had to fight to keep her hackles down and a sharp retort from her tongue. Funny how she couldn’t find the energy to keep looking at intel, to be useful, but anger could fire back up faster than a ship jumping into hyperspace. 

She let the door slide shut behind her, sealing off Rieekan and the rest of universe for a long moment. The quiet surrounded her and she let it seep into her core, into her bones, to pad her against the knot of emotion and pain she had been fighting. She let habit take over. She washed her face, changed into comfortable clothes, let her hair down, brushed and braided again into a loose plait for sleep. The lights were dimmed, and she slipped into the narrow bunk and closed her eyes. 

Her body was aching and weary, but her mind wouldn’t let her rest. The constant fight to keep the thoughts that clamored for attention was loud and strenuous. But she couldn’t touch their substance. At least not lying down.

She found herself back in the corridors, her feet all but silent in her slippers as she paced down the too stark halls. There weren’t white like the med bay, but the grey was still too plain for distraction, too sharp lined for comfort. She took a deep breath, measured her steps carefully. And finally reached for the coiled thoughts and the pain with it. 

The instant she had seen Darth Vader in that room in Cloud City, she had been shoved back into that black interrogation room on the Death Star. The rasping breath, needle shining out of the sphere of the interrogation droid’s dark shell, the weight that pressed on her mind, pressed on the shining white walls of her mental shields to find a crack and gain entrance… She felt Han’s hand and grasped it as his blaster fired. She wasn’t sure if she had grabbed for him to pull him away from Vader, or if he was trying to reach her and push her out of danger, but it didn’t matter. They were trapped. 

When Han had been taken for interrogation, she had surprised that Vader hadn’t targeted her first. Did he remember how she had fought and won against the questions and torture and drugs on the Death Star and decided it wasn’t worth it? Was he just looking for a warm up with Han? Was making her wait part of her torture? It felt like it to her. It was all just cruelty, pure and simple. 

And she wasn’t even the target, it turned out. She wasn’t conceited enough to be upset that she was no longer important to Vader. But it sent another wave of pain and terror through her. Luke, for all his abilities and achievements with the Rebellion, still seemed so young to her. She felt the need to protect him, to shield him from pain and danger. 

In the carbon freezing chamber, she had finally opened up that part of her heart that she’d been trying to deny, to figure out how to balance. She threw it all out into the open, almost too late. She lost Han, felt that part of her heart, a massive, bleeding part, get ripped out as Han disappeared in a cloud of vapor. 

Leia found herself frozen in the corridor, shaking with the memories and the too raw, too real emotions that streamed through her. She blinked, wiped away the tears that slipped down her face. She realized after a few deep breaths, that she was standing outside the door of personal quarters. The hastily made label next to the door stated it was Commander Skywalker’s quarters. 

Without thinking, she knocked. 

Even as her knuckles hit the door, Luke called, “Come in.” His voice was muffled by the door, but it sounded thin and strained. 

He was sitting cross legged on his bunk, hunched over his right hand, left hand grasping his wrist. As Leia stepped into the little room, he sat up and frowned. “Leia. Did something happen?” He took in her sleep clothes and slippers and his brow wrinkled. 

She deflected his question with one of her own, crossing to sit next to him. “Does your hand still hurt?”

He glanced down at his hands; the left was rubbing at the invisible line where his real skin met synthskin. “There isn’t a hand left to hurt,” he muttered, and his breath caught. 

“Hey…” Leia leaned closer. She could see Luke’s pulse jumping against the skin of his throat, there was sweat on his face, and his breathing sounded like it was heading towards panic. She set her hand over his. “What is it?” 

“It feels like phantom pains, like I had before the cybernetic was ready…” He took another fast, unsteady breath. “But the doctors and med droids said once the cybernetic was attached and working, I wouldn’t get it anymore, but I can still feel it, it’s separate from the cybernetic, and it _hurts_ , but it _doesn’t_ , I know it’s not there, but-” He sucked in a gasping breath that fought the edge of tears and bent over his hands again, shivering. 

Leia kept her hand steady on his wrist and rubbed his back in gentle circles with the other. A few tears hit the back of her hand. After a moment, he sniffled and rubbed his face against his shoulder. Then he took a deep breath, sat up, and closed his eyes. Leia could feel the tension melt out of his muscles almost instantly as his breathing evened out and steadied. He took another deep breath through his nose and released it slowly. 

“Sorry about that,” he said as he looked up at her, expression calmed and centered, even if his eyes were still a little red rimmed. 

“Luke, having phantom pains isn’t something to apologize for!” she said, as surprised at his apology as at his sudden turn to calm. “You suffered real trauma.” 

“So have you,” he replied. “You’ve been hurt and frightened. That’s something just as real and painful.” 

Leia suddenly felt the touch of… _something_ in her mind. It wasn’t the dark weight that she had felt with Vader, or the sudden burst of pain and need that she had felt when they had turned back for Luke in Cloud City. It was inquisitive, but not forceful. Yet it was an invasion. In shock, she slammed up the walls in her mind and caught the look of surprise on Luke’s face.

“What?”

“You… you just shielded your thoughts from me. How did you do that?”

She shrugged, suddenly nervous. “I don’t know. I have always been able to lock away my thoughts, and my father had me learn a number of anti interrogation techniques.” She stopped, her own sluggish brain finally registering all of Luke’s statement, “How did you get at my thoughts? Is that part of Jedi training?”

“In part, yeah. When I went to Dagobah-” he stopped with a grimace and gripped his wrist again. “Sorry.” He sighed. “Can I explain it to you some other time? When we both have had some rest?”

“Of course.” She reached back for his hand and started massaging his wrist. “Tell me if this hurts.”

He hissed a little as she hit tender nerves and aching muscles, but after a moment, he blinked up at her, wonder on his face. “How did you do that? It doesn’t ache as much, and I don’t feel the phantom pain…” 

“You’ve never heard of massaging sore muscles?” she teased. Then, more serious, “I’ve spent enough time around soldiers and the aftermath of battles. You pick up a few things by listening.” She patted his hand. “Think you’ll be able to sleep?” 

He smirked at her, but there was a layer of compassion right near the surface. “You’re the one who came knocking on my door. Do you think you can?” 

The thought of walking back to her quarters, through the echoing, harsh corridors, made tears prick at her eyes. She fought them back. “I could sleep on the floor right now, honestly.” 

Luke scooted to one side of his bunk and patted the open space.

Leia eyed him and lifted an eyebrow. “Really?”

“We both need rest. The floor wouldn’t be comfortable. It’s just sleeping.” 

Leia sighed and nodded. “Okay.”

*

She woke up a few hours later, fighting for breath and biting back tears. The nightmare faded enough after a few moments so she could breathe and remember where she was. Luke had left a dim light on in the ‘fresher, so she could see as well as feel where they both had turned in the bunk. They had started out back to back, but they wound up facing each other; Luke had one hand tucked against his chest - his right - but the other was resting on the mattress between them, fingers resting against her own hand. The accidental touch was soothing and grounding. 

She sighed and closed her eyes, sleep pulling at her again. But the nightmare came roaring back. She snapped awake, rolled onto her back, tears streaming down her face, and tried to hold the sobs in. 

Luke whimpered, high and sharp; he twitched and came awake, panting around tears. 

Leia wanted to move and wipe away her tears, turn to comfort Luke and forget her own pain, but she couldn’t. She stayed frozen, as tears continued to run and sobs burned in her throat. 

She heard and felt Luke struggle with his own tears for a minute; he turned away from her and calmed his breathing. She felt the tension melt out of him again, felt a gentle brush of calm against her mind, undirected and accidental, but it was not enough and too much at the same time. A loud sob burst out of her throat before she could stop it.

“Hey, breathe,” Luke whispered as he rolled back over to face her. “Leia, just breathe.”

She kept her eyes screwed shut despite the tears that rolled down her face. She felt scraped open and raw. Even after Alderaan had been destroyed, she couldn’t remember sobbing this hard. Granted, she couldn’t remember feeling much about Alderaan; she had gone numb. The thought and the memory of that loss made her cry harder.

When the tears finally slowed and she could breathe without sobbing, she was exhausted. Her head and eyes ached from the pressure of tears and snot, her throat raw. Luke held her hand, and was breathing slow and deep, as if to give her an example to follow. The brush of comfort, warm as a sunset, continued to touch her mind, but didn’t try to press any further. She scrubbed her face with her sleeve and sniffled. 

Luke didn't say anything, but just kept holding her hand. 

She sat up and grimaced at him. “So much for rest.”

“We both got a few hours, I think.” He glanced around the room and shrugged. “Wanna play Sabacc?”

Leia repressed a little flinch, since the last time the card game had been brought up was between Han and Lando. But she nodded. “Do you have cards?” 

Luke clambered out of the bunk, rifled through his small pile of things and came out with a battered deck. He held them up with a grin. 

Leia rolled her eyes. “Pilots,” she muttered. 

There was a surprising amount of down time for the X-wing pilots in the Rebellion, so cards or dice were an unofficial part of their uniforms. They bet anything from credits to chores to silly dares that would eat up the next block of spare time. She hadn't appreciated the distraction of the games until now. 

They played a few hands, sitting on the bunk with the cards in the middle, both of them out of practice. The focus it took to remember the rules - and remind each other - helped soothe away the lingering shadows of the nightmares and pain. Leia tried not to just push it all away, but to accept and move past it. But she kept her main focus on the game. She had always been good with strategy, and card games were simple compared to what she normally dealt with as a commander. In a few more rounds, she was soundly beating Luke at every turn. She allowed a faint satisfied smirk to show. It felt good. 

Luke made a face and tossed down his cards as Leia won another hand. “And I thought that I was pretty good! Where did you learn to play like that?”

“X-wing pilots aren’t the only one with spare time. And Han gave me pointers.” She winced as she said it. 

“We’ll get him back,” Luke said, voice full of quiet assurance. 

Leia didn’t respond for a moment. “Yes. Yes we will.” She gathered up the cards and shuffled, keeping her hands busy.

“Do you want me to explain what I was talking about with the thought shielding and the Force, as best I can?” 

“Think I won’t understand it?” she challenged. 

He shook his head. “No. I just don’t think _I’ll_ be able to explain it well enough.” 

“Might as well try. You told me you were going to Dagobah to continue your training. I assume that it was part of that.” 

“Yes.” Luke launched into the full story, from his departure from Hoth and the flight to Dagobah. He detailed the descent through the thick atmosphere and his crash in the swamp, which prompted a laugh from Leia.

“And this the same pilot who turned off his targeting computer to destroy the Death Star!” 

“Yeah, well, don’t tell any of the others about that part,” Luke grinned back at her, before continuing. 

As the tale unfolded, Leia was surprised at Luke’s storytelling ability. Straightforward, but vivid, Leia found herself swept up along with his words. The discovery and reveal of Yoda and Artoo’s continuous complaints about the swamp all made her chuckle. Luke didn’t spare his own dignity, and she could only shake her head as he recounted everything from snapping at the Jedi master to smacking his head on the low ceiling of Yoda’s tiny home. 

As he started describing the training Yoda put him through, mental and physical, Leia started drifting. Luke’s voice rose and fell gently. She was still exhausted, and the threat of the nightmares seemed further away than before. Without conscious thought, she slid sideways on the bunk until she was lying down again. Luke shifted and tucked a blanket around her, but never stopped his story. He settled into the corner of the bunk that Leia hadn’t sprawled over and continued to talk, his words going soft and round at the edges. 

At some point, as Leia bobbed in and out of sleep, she realized that Luke had left the swamp and gone to the desert. She caught edges of stories of kings and brave servant boys, treasures and firebirds; there were moons and sand and glass prisons. And then she fell into deep sleep, and Luke’s voice, gone hoarse, had turned into soft snores. 

She was content, warm and relaxed in a way she hadn’t been for ages when she woke again. Luke was snoring gently, his right hand still tucked protectively against his chest, but his left reached out to the center of the bed again. Leia blinked and realized her hand was reaching out as well, and their fingers were touching again. She was sure there were soft waves of comfort and contentment seeping over from Luke’s touch.

The chrono alarm chirped, loud and insistent. Luke groaned and slapped at the chrono until the noise stopped. Leia stayed curled up as he sat up a bit and scrubbed his hand through his hair, making it stand every which way. She snorted at him and he grimaced with a bit of a grin. 

“I set the alarm last night. Forgot that I did. Sorry if it woke you.”

“I was already awake.” She sat up and smoothed some loose hairs away from her face. “Were you telling me stories last night? Children’s stories?” 

He blushed. “Yeah. I didn’t want to talk about what happened once I left Dagobah, but you looked like you needed to sleep, and the talking was helping. I just started telling stories that my aunt had told me.” 

“I’d like to hear them, if you don’t mind telling them again. Sometime when I can stay awake to listen.”

Luke squirmed a little, the flush staying high on his cheeks. “They are just stories…I mean, I like them, but that is because they’re from my childhood. I don’t expect anyone else to really like them.” 

“Stories are important. And I’ll trade you. I’ll tell you my favorite faerie tale that my father read to me.” She said it, and remembered that Alderaan, that he father, was gone. It hurt, but not the crippling pain that had hit her the night before. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I’d like that.” 

“Good.” Leia got up and stretched a little. Her face still felt sticky and tight from tears, body clammy from cold sweat. “I should go clean up and get dressed so I can get back to work.”

Luke nodded. “Me too. I promised Wedge I’d go help him with some of the X-wings in the hangar here.” He lifted his right hand and wiggled the fingers. “The med droid said it would be good for me.”

“Good. I’ll see you later.” Leia shuffled into her slippers and went to the door. 

Just as she opened it, Luke said, “Hey. What is your faerie tale about? The one your father read to you?”

Leia gave a soft smile as she allowed the memory of being safe in her father’s arms, his voice rumbling around her as she cuddled into his chest. “It’s about a brave princess.”

“A story about a brave princess from Alderaan,” Luke mused. “I think I have heard one like that.” 

He smiled at Leia, something like belief and love in his open expression. 

She dropped her eyes. “I hope you like this one. I know she gets a happy ending. Not so sure about the you’re talking about.”

“She will,” Luke said without hesitation. “She will.”

“Thank you,” Leia whispered, feeling the prickle of grateful tears starting. But Luke’s vibrant smile banished them and she just smiled again.

She left Luke’s quarters and strode down the corridors to her own, ignoring the few looks she got at her appearance in her slippers and sleep clothes. She felt lighter than she had in months. Her well of strength was replenished and she was ready to fight.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the Linkin Park song Heavy.  
> Many thanks to gloriousclio for her beta work. Also, many thanks to her Star Wars faerie tale series which inspired the stories that Luke told and Leia's favorite faerie tale from her childhood. You can find them here: [The Princess Who Remembered Her Name](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6140932), [The Orphan with the Golden Heart](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6347512), and [The Glassblower and the Dragon](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6347512). (She also has faerie tales for [Rey](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7328047), [Finn](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7653754) and [Padme](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8505229) and has hinted she is working on more. Go read, review and love.)
> 
> Also to bratanimus and mrstater for the inspiration for a small detail about how the Space Twins might sleep. Go read their [Queen of Peace](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8486134/chapters/19447339) for baby Space Twins feels, as well as so many Obi-Wan feels.


End file.
